Fear of being left behind...

Ever feel like maybe you will fail... That no matter how many people believe in you..your just not going to make it... The love of my life is probably going to get a job soon I can't keep one... What if I never do..what if I flunk of out college... Will I lose her? be left behind?...It scares me..I lay awake thinking about this.... Her and I have talked about the future... My heart says YES!!!! when my brain and head say...these are dreams you're stupid you will never amount to that.. ever... I can't sleep because of this..Looks like I'll be back to therapy again..fuck..I was doing well till i started listening to my head again.. fuck you head...

feelings...

I respect you, I love you.
She does not see what I see in you.
I get frustrated when I feel she isn't treating you in a way you should be.
You are my everything.
I want to just take you in my arms and let you stay in the safety forever.
I watch you fall asleep in my arms when we are together and I know this is were you should be.
I want to save you..
I want to never let a thing hurt you or make you cry.
One day we will get there...
One day..
Just time is ticking slowly..

I love you.. I really do..

Pressure and Respect

Lately I've been feeling a lot of pressure with school coming to an end not having a job Im gonna try really hard to get a job that i can handle but lately I'm worried about my relationship. My partner her mother isn't that free with what she does. I take my partner out to a movie her mother calls a few times she doesnt answer her phone her mother texts mine and shes also just is trying to control prom with our flowers and she always wants to meet my parents when my parents arent into tahat shit they dont talk to me they work all day they just chill on the couch they hate meeting people i just dont know what to do im not sure if i can handle it.. i love her so much.. but this is just.. i dont know...

still angry still depressed still sick

im fucking angry still my dad just started on me about not liking yet another job. fuck him fuck everybody im upset i keep crying on and off all day and it feels like im swollowing glass. If I call in sick tomorrow i know my dad will chew my fucking head off because hes that much of prick i havent had time to spend with m girlfriend in like a week or more and i hate that i feel like were drifting im depressed as hell and i dont have therapy till tuesday so i might end up quiting by then because i just cant handle the stress of it. im overly emotional and my fucking father doesnt fucking understand that. im sick of putting on a face in front of everyone. I hate my father i hate my family. I just want to move out on my own do my sound recording be done with college and just live alone forever. why cant i be fucking normal like the rest of my friends go to work and function i cant do that i end up feeling like shit and crying. i want to be normal but i fucking know that will never happen adn if someone fucking comments with that no one is normal i will fucking rip you in half!

fuck this fuck that fuck the world

i work a fucking job that im start to hate i hardly get to see my girlfriend i hate that and im scared its gonna fall apart proms coming up big fucking deal i dont care anymore i dont fucking care about much im crying my eyes out im fucking waiting for my head to explode. I fucking hate everything! i jsut want to be sitting with my girlfriend somewhere alone just talking to her... holding her anything... anything at all.. i just need her... i just want everything in my life to fuck off for a bit i wish i had my own place that she could stay at too everything feel like shit lately im sick as anything and i know i wont be better by sunday or even monday. I just want to cry all the time... i just want to sit with her and cry with her... i hardly ever cry in front of people but i just need a hug from her.. maybe this si whats bothering me is not having her around as much.. maybe its because everythings starting to change..fuck this okay fuck everything im done with so much now... im gonna sleep till i work for the shit store...

It's been a while..

So I finished Musical and my co/op placement... now off into the real world to find a job. Ive been job hunting just have to keep hoping. I've been a little odd lately, I had a wonderful day a few days ago with my partner is amazing. I know I love her she's so perfect in my eyes. I've had a lot on my mind lately like I don't sleep much anymore and just UHG!!!! I'm scared of screwing up my relationship. I try really hard to keep myself undercontrol because Im scared of losing control and scaring her. I guess I just have to keep working on this. I've been playing alot of Sims 3 lately lol. It's wickedd...fuck i need a life. anyway off to eat lunch CYA!

Musical is killing me :(

So I'm still working with the musical which is brutal. I am kinda having fun thought because I love doing sound and working with stuff like that it is just long and tiring and I really miss my partner. Last night we had a heart to heart about how we see each other which turned into a slight argument in how neither of us can take a compliment really. I am willing to put the effort in to help her see what I see in her. I think now that I'm getting close to the end of high school going into college being pushed into the REAL! world I am seeing that I'm gonna need to put effort into the relationships I have with people. As scary as the real world feels to me I think I might be ready. Can we ever be ready though? I'm not sure I have to get ready to go. I get to see my partner for a little while today than more musical... FUCK!!!!!! Cya guys!

So I feel like shit!

Okay Blog, I feel like crap today. I had a good time just spending some time with my partner but that was about it for the good feeling of my day. I just woke up not feeling great. My body is just blah... Im depressed and it's lame I hate it. Musical is looking more and more like it's gonna kill me. Tomorrow there is a really long rehersal so I have to get up extra early to get there on time im bring a lot of food haha. Im hoping this little funk I am in will leave me soon. I really would rather spend time with the partner but sadly not gonna happen for a while. Im starting to feel a bit better Im chatting with my partner and they are making me smile. I love my partner. I actually told her that a few nights ago :) It was awesome I ended up crying happy tears Ive never had that happen. It's cold here today...I am notttt happyyy!!! I want some warmth back here. Lol so I see that my partner is just as random and crazy as me YAY! lol okay so I feel better now. Thanks Blog and to my better half.

Missing!

Signing my life over for musical.

So I got in from the dance. It wasn't bad at all not many people there and my friends weren't dancing but my partner and I had a great time lots of laughs smiles..kissing.. haha. Im not feeling so great now though my cold is coming back and my mood is being odd. I sign my life over to the musical at my highschool tomorrow. Since next week the shows start. Im feeling so tired right now and super low... I dont think this is good. Hopefully some sleep will make me feel a touch better. I don't know... okay yawning so much my eyes are watering sorry guys ill post tomorrow if i can Musical first than blogging. Lets hope this funk im in goes away. NIGHT!

Dance in less than an hour.

Did I go get ready? Yes I did I showered ironed my clothes and even did my hair. Im just waiting around now before I leave for the dance. Im excited yet nervous at all the same time. Im not sure how many of my partners friends are gonna be there so that has me a little unsettled. I worked hard on my hair so hopefully people will like it. I'm scared to slow dance though. I'm not very good at it and Im extermly akward.She's something special I don't want to screw this up. Well I best get going and do the finishing touches. I might post when I get home depending how tired I am. Lets hope this goes well!

Non-sense

Alright, I am not to sure how long I will last blogging. I never have much to write...or maybe I just don't think anyone would want to read it. I'm 18 just finishing high school and enrolled in community college for next year I'm going to take recording arts,become a sound engineer. I've had to do a lot of thinking and growing up pretty fast in the past couple of months. It's made it hard for me to connect with people I find. I always feel slightly distant to them, like I can't feel what others feel in the moment. I find a connect more with animals than anything really. I know that sounds stupid to some but a few days ago I was at a pet store I was feeling uneasy (I have anxiety issues) There was a pen that had bunnies in it you could pet them. So this one bunny he wouldn't really sit in one place at the time but when I reached in to pet him he stayed there. It made me feel better it made me relax it's like he knew I needed that. I have a hard time emotionally connecting with someone. When I feel emotional I will most times just hide away and not let people in which is hard for the relationships I have with family friends and my partner. They are understanding though but there are days I know it's hard for them to communicate to me when my mind is just not interested in what they have to say. I will get better with this in time I hope. I wonder how many of my friends have blogs... I wish to not ask though. There is a dance tonight at the highschool... I am going with my partner it's like 10:30am..I have nothing to wear I am still in PJ's and look like hell haha. I should probably clean my cave as my mother refers to my room.I'll post either later today night or soon! cya guys!

Missing Screws,